


stans gotten bad, bill

by mick3640



Category: IT - Stephen King
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-08
Updated: 2019-11-08
Packaged: 2021-01-25 07:34:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21352561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mick3640/pseuds/mick3640
Summary: this is inspired by a tik tok from @halopeaches (http://vm.tiktok.com/m5v6du/ )"Stan didn't laugh, or seem to reciprocate any of this warmth. "i'm so alone" He started, his voice cracking now and seeming weak. He lowered his tone. "sometimes i think that no one really even thinks of me anymore. that i mean nothing in this huge world and my life is going no where. i have no partner, a dead end, boring job, and i live in a big house all alone with nothing to my own name but money. so what? i don't consider that any kind of success. and my life won't ever change from how it is now. sometimes i think about quitting while i'm still somewhat ahead, you know? i'm just so numb. so so numb. and i wonder if i'm ever gonna be happy again" "
Kudos: 9





	stans gotten bad, bill

Beverly had spent the past two nights at Richie's place. They occupied most of their time doing stupid, mundane things like play board games and watch old cheesy horror movies together. 

The Losers were about 18 now, and they hadn't been hanging out together as much as a whole anymore. When high school started, everyone seemed to be getting caught up in their own lives. They were too old to really "play" together and with school, jobs, and family getting in the way, they began spending less and less time with the club. 

Although, everyone sorta clung to Richie- just your average 5'8 man child that still lived with his parents. He was still his old ADHD self; making trash mouth jokes and doing stupid impressions that really hadn't improved since he was 11. and maybe that's why everyone stuck with him. He was the only one who truly hadn't changed and would force them to still have some childlike fun. He more than often called up members of the group to bother them and entertain himself with. 

He was on a Bev kick recently. And surprisingly, they got along really well together. They both seemed to be a bit different without the group; like they could hang out casually and just relax without trying too hard. 

They often would talk about Derry and psycho analyze the people in it: half for laughs and half for interest. They would also discuss movies in depth and talk for hours about characters. but none of that overpowered their very sibling like relationship, with Bev often shoving Richie and teasing him with "beep beep"s and Richie playing along too, getting some good one liners at her as comebacks. 

Overall they seemed to be spending a lot of time together, and not much with anyone else. 

Bill and Mike still hung out together normally. They were always very similar in character and that never seemed to change. Ben would tag along sometimes too and they'd often do some kind of outdoorsy or bar stuff. Of which Eddie, personally, wasn't interested in. 

but that didn't matter, because him and Richie were around each other a lot too. Not particularly hanging out, but just always being in each other's lives. Whether that's stopping in for lunch without any call, watching a movie at one of their homes on a weeknight, or going to town and running errands together. They always found a way to keep in touch. 

Stan, however, had been working a lot and was the only one who didn't hang out with someone from the group. They mostly saw him when the whole losers club hung out every once in awhile to have a party and drink in Mikes basement. 

No one had really bothered him too much to hang though. He had his own house already (thanks to his fathers contribution) and a job as a junior accountant. He was well off and successful for his age and everyone was impressed (or maybe a bit jealous). 

Bev only had a tiny, crap apartment on her own and Bill had about the same. The rest still lived at home but planned to go to college or move out of Derry soon. 

Bev sat on the edge of Richies bed that night, swinging her feet and giggling at him. Richie had just made some trash mouth kind of joke about the busty woman on tv and was now holding a pillow under his shirt to simulate breasts. They were having a night full of fun and antics and it was about 12 am at the moment. Richie never really slept, shocker, and Beverly didn't seem to mind. She was one of those morning and night people. The ones who literally no one else could understand. So she talked with Richie for about two more hours before he passed out in his sleeping bag on the floor with a bowl of popcorn spilled over his chest. 

Bev got the bed, despite previously arguing it didn't really matter. But she couldn't fight Richie when he did his Gentleman's Impression and really sounded like a drunk cockney man trying to flirt. She ended up reluctantly tucking herself under the covers and laying down to sleep. 

But something kept her up, and she wasn't sure what. Bev laid there with her eyes open for a few moments and stared at the blank wall beside her. She became overwhelmed with a feeling of numbness and sadness, the kind you get this late at night when you think too much. but she was fine; she was having fun, she told herself. Bev couldn't really understand what was going on until she was interrupted by the phone in the hall starting to ring.

Confused, she sat up and looked over at Richies Star Wars themed alarm clock. It was as she thought, two am. Richies parents were away on vacation that weekend and he surely wasn't going to wake up. Worrying it was them or something else important, she snuck out to the hall to answer it. As she picked up the line she was quiet for a moment, waiting to see what crazy person would call at the ass crack of dawn like this. "uh...is Beverly here tonight?" She heard a voice ask. It was Stan. Bev was flooded with so many questions that she almost didn't answer for a moment. "yeah, hey Stan, it's me" she replied, surprisingly casual for the situation. She was not sure why he called but hearing from Stan made her quite happy, so she could ignore the hour. It seemed like they hadn't talked in ages.

He must've known she was at Richies because they've been hanging out a lot lately. or he already called her landline and got no response. In hindsight, Bev hopes that didn't happen. 

"okay, im glad it's you. sorry to bother you this late at night" Stan said, seeming to carefully craft his words as he spoke. There was an underlying shakiness to his voice like he was holding back tears. "no worries" She replied "i was up anyways finishing the movie Richie fell asleep during and I- hey are you okay?" She didn't mean to be so blunt, but she could feel something was off even without seeing Stan. Bev quietly bit her lip, hoping she wouldn't scare him away. "i've had a bad night" Stan replied quietly, his words cutting off quickly at the end. 

Bev knew Stan had a lot to stress from work and no one to talk to at home, so figured that might be the issue. Her worry seemed to fade as she returned to her normal, cheerful self "Well everyone has bad days Stan, it's alright just talk to me". 

Stan let out a shaky breath and paused for a moment. "I feel that no one likes me anymore. that you all have a better time without me"

"are you kidding me?" Bev chuckled, shaking her head. "we all love you! really! you'd be surprised how grumpy Richie gets when you can't make it" She smiled, thinking about the times in Mikes basements when Richie and Stan played truth or dare together: both too stubborn to forfeit anything. 

Stan didn't laugh, or seem to reciprocate any of this warmth. "i'm so alone" He started, his voice cracking now and seeming weak. He lowered his tone. "sometimes i think that no one really even thinks of me anymore. that i mean nothing in this huge world and my life is going no where. i have no partner, a dead end, boring job, and i live in a big house all alone with nothing to my own name but money. so what? i don't consider that any kind of success. and my life won't ever change from how it is now. sometimes i think about quitting while i'm still somewhat ahead, you know? i'm just so numb. so so numb. and i wonder if i'm ever gonna be happy again" 

There was silence on the line. Beverly was muffling sobs. She shakily composed herself, trying not to worry Stan, and put did her best to use a calming tone "are you home right now?" She asked, starting to quietly stretch the phone cord as she walked towards Richies room. Stan said he was. 

" o-o-okay i'm gonna come over-" Bev started, but Stanley cut her off, seeming to start to feel regret for even calling. "no it's okay, really, i don't want to bother you this late" Bev was already throwing her slipper at Richie, which hit him right in the head, to wake him up. a muffled and sleepy "what the dick?" could be heard from the bedroom. "no i don't feel good leaving you on your own when you're like this" Bevs voice was choked with anxiety and fingers gripped tightly around the phone. "i'm going to wake up Richie and we're going to get Bill and we're going to come over" she broke for a moment to swallow hard and take a few shallow breathes. 

"promise me you'll be okay till I get there. promise, okay?" 

Stan whispered an "okay" in response.

"okay" Bev replied hastily, now unable to hold back her panic. She hung up the phone, grabbed Richie by the arm and started to drag him out of his room. She was practically running as Richie stumbled to keep up. " woah woah woah! what is the house being torched or something?" He called, teasing Bev and rubbing his eyes. Only being half awake, he didn't really get what was going on and didn't seem to question why Bev was pulling him  
like a stubborn calf across the house.

Bev couldn't reply, she simply pulled him towards the landline in the hall. She wouldn't bother to tell him. She couldn't say it twice. Richie stood patiently, finally seeing Bevs face, and deciding to shut up like he always did anytime emotions were a factor. Beverly dialed Bills number, praying to God he would pick up. Thankfully, she heard the line click "h-h-hel-" She heard Bills sleepy voice come through the phone and she couldn't wait any longer for him to finish stuttering his greeting. "Stans gotten bad, Bill" She said quickly, cutting him off. "really bad. i need you to drive to his house, as quickly as possible. Richie and i are heading there now". Bill, amidst all the confusion, nearly thought this was a dream. "w-w-what?" He asked, running his hands through his hair nervously. He paced once or twice before deciding not to waste time. "o-k-k-kay." He replied "i'll be there in ten". 

If Richie was in a cartoon his jaw would've hit the floor. The kid stood there dumbfounded staring at Beverly with no reaction. He couldn't believe that he was hearing about Stan. Richie could only guess what Bev had meant by "gotten bad", and he cringed at his own thoughts. Stan, the most normal and unproblematic person he knew. Stan the man, his good buddy who he'd purposely tease and annoy anytime the group hung out. The Stan who would shoot back a quick witted, one line response that just about crushed Richies whole being. The Stan who used to play in the barrens with them, getting distracted by rare birds and making sure no one died from being too dumb. How could this happen to Stan?

But then he thought for a moment. Everyone ever since they were young, had known something was different about Stan. Some days he'd just be quiet or sort of not fully there. He seemed to be really affected by events at home and other types of stress. but the losers club liked him nonetheless, and it never changed any of the fun they were having. They always included Stan and he tagged along regardless. 

Richie only awoke from this memory when he was being dragged again, this time already halfway to the car. Once he realized, he began to sprint on his own, even making strides ahead of Beverly. 

He quickly scrambled into the passenger seat. Bev started up the car and put it into drive faster than she ever had, yet everything seemed in slow motion. She stomped on the gas so hard that her 1951 honda might've broke down on the spot had it been a just a year older and rustier. The little car zoomed down the suburban streets, probably waking all the neighbors with its poor muffler and dying engine and hit about 70 mph once she got out to the straight road towards Stans. Richie lived about 12 minutes from Stan. Bev made it there in five. 

She haphazardly parked her car beside the curb and scrambled out. Bill was just pulling up, he must've rushed too. Bev raced towards the house and knocked anxiously, practically burrowing a hole in the door with her knuckles."Stan it's me" she called, trying to steady her voice. Bill and Richie followed behind and waited. After half a minute that felt like half an hour, Stan finally opened the door. 

Immediately Beverly's arms were around his neck and she practically threw herself onto him. Her tears began to stain the chest of his shirt and he stumbled backwards, alarmed. "oh lord Stan!" She exclaimed, hugging him tightly. "i'm so glad you're okay". She released him from her grasp and let herself drop to the floor. Stan looked uncomfortable and bewildered by the whole situation. He rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly and turned around to start walking in. Now that everyone was here, he felt a sudden wave of terrible embarrassment. to be honest, he didn't even remember dialing the phone. and now that all this attention was pouring on him for something he was extremely private about (his depression), he seemed to regret everything. He waited to answer until they all walked in and shut the door

"i'm sorry i upset you Bev" He began, avoiding eye contact with any of them. "i shouldn't have called and worried you all enough to come over, i didn't even think that would happen" He hung his head and whisper-mumbled the last part, but everyone still heard. They then all stood awkwardly for a moment, feeling uncomfortable and embarrassed on both sides. "why don't you all sit down and i'll make some tea?" Bev offered warmly, gesturing towards them. Richie opened his mouth to comment about it being almost 2:30 AM but Bill elbowed him hard in the side before he could

They all sat down in Stans living room on the couch. While waiting for Bev, Bill tried to fill the silence with friendly conversation. "d-d-did you h-hear that the dodgers are p-p-p" He was so anxious about the situation that he couldn't get his words out. Richie interjected, finishing his sentence "playing the cubs? meh thats nothing. did you hear that katie from third grade got knocked up last week?" He burst out laughing and the mood lightened greatly. Stan cracked the smallest of smiles and normally, he would've probably retaliated with a joke about Richie being a virgin. Now, he didn't feel much like it. but he was thankful for Richie for treating him normally and acting like nothing was wrong.

In the other room, Bev filled Stans kettle with water and placed it on the stove. She seemed to ease slightly now that she saw Stan alive, but none of that could vouch for tomorrow. She bit her lip. 

Not long after entering the kitchen did she soon realize she had no idea where the tea (or anything for that matter) was in Stans house.  
she figured she would have to do a little digging and began to search around Stans kitchen. She pulled open a few doors and drawers but found absolutely nothing. Another round of that and she found only utensils or cooking tools. Then, she tried a cabinet above the small breakfast table. 

As she kneeled on top to reach the tea, she noticed it was right next to the landline. The phone was lying off its hook and a chair was left out, which was uncharacteristically like the neat, uptight Stanley. She figured that's where he had called her from. 

She continued to dig around for tea for a moment until she noticed a light reflect off the table below her. Then, out of her peripheral vision, she finally saw it. Her eyes landed on a long, sharp, butcher knife that was lying next to the phone. 

Bev gasped, stepped back off the table and covered her mouth with both hands. She was frozen in her steps, her body completely stiff, and stood there for a moment without even taking a breath. "Bill?" She called out to the living room, hoping he'd hear her from in there. "can you come help me with the tea?" She seemed normal till her voice cut off sharply at the end. All three boys confused, Bill stood up and went inside. Richie went on blabbing and Stans mood seemed to steadily increase, as if he was forgetting all that had just happened a few minutes ago. 

Bill entered to the kitchen and his eyes met Beverly. He studied her face in confusion and raised an eyebrow at her. He opened his mouth to speak but then slowly followed her gaze to the knife on the table. Even Bill jumped a little. "o-o-okay" He stuttered, putting an arm on her shoulder and pulling a piece of hair from her eyes. "w-why d-d-dont we g-go back to m-my house or richies? l-let's get him out of here" Beverly nodded, knowing Bill was right. They couldn't leave him by himself and staying in this dark lonely house wasnt going to help him at all. 

The two walked out to the living room  
together and saw Richie and Stan chatting casually. Stan seemed quiet but much more alive than when they had first seen him. Bev spoke first.

"you know, i was just thinking, why don't we all hang out tonight? you guys can join Richie and i's sleepover. you have enough room for all of them, don't ya Richie? and plenty of food" Richie surely did not have enough room. In fact, his floor space was barely enough for one kid and a plate of cookies. but he could take a hint, well sometimes. He nodded, too afraid to open his trash mouth and screw this up. Bill nodded too. 

"y-y-you and R-Richie can drive b-b-back. Stan and i will p-p-p-pack a bag and go. i can borrow s-s-some of your pjs, r-right?" Bill piped up, looking over at Stan reassuringly. Stan agreed, seeming to lighten up as Bill spoke. The two boys then went upstairs to gather clothes as Richie and Bev left. 

"all your p-p-pjs are b-boring stan" Bill teased, picking up a silk set of button up pajamas. He put those aside and ended up choosing a flannel set to somewhat keep his dignity. He zipped them up in one of stans bags and chuckled "w-when i borrow R-Richies i g-g-get to wear the s-superman pants and s-s-slippers". 

Stan couldn't help but crack a smile at this. Everything in the moment was giving him dejavu, like they really were kids again. The only difference was he couldn't seem to distinguish that from reality. but he didn't seem to mind. He was happy in the moment and that's what mattered. 

The two boys piled into Bills car and started to drive. It was silent for the first few moments until Stan spoke for the first time in awhile that night.

"what did Bev say to you? to get you to come over here?" Stan asked softly, as if the sting of the pain was all coming back to him. Bill was taken off guard by this, feeling confronted. "j-j-just that y-you needed me" He paused "s-some friends. that's all". 

Stan went silent and thought this over for a bit. As long as Bill didn't know about his depression, then that's ok. As long as they weren't having this sleep over because they were afraid of him or worried. 

That kind of attention, Stan thought, would be worse than being alone. 

For the rest of the drive, they chatted sparingly and casually. Mostly just a "w-weird weather w-weve been having r-right?" and a nod. Bill was trying his best to not be awkward or obvious, but all he could think about during that drive was the knife. God, he couldn't imagine it: Stan deciding not to call and slashing his wrists instead. Or worse, him calling and them coming over to find him like that. 

Bill subconsciously furrowed his brow. He couldn't fathom what would make Stan think like that. He knew his friend wasn't crazy, but just couldn't exactly look at him normal right now. He had a big house, a good job, a moderate amount of money and a family to top it all off? What more could he need? 

but soon Bill, like Richie, began thinking back to their childhood. How stan would get when he and his father would fight, or when it was a particularly gloomy day. or when he had been away for awhile and hadn't seen the losers in a bit. Bill remembered that Stan was always different, more mature than the others he guessed . but maybe it was that Stan didn't think like the rest. For how introverted he might've seemed, he loved his friends. 

Bill was clever, he started to put the pieces together. Maybe everyone viewing Stans life as a success, starting to leave him to do his own thing, and god forbid forgetting about him, is what started this all. Stan was always the mother of the group, watching out for everyone. but bill thinks they all subconsciously took care of him. They might not have known it but picked up on little things and made an effort for Stan. 

Bill could remember how Stan hated jewish holidays. With how stressed and strict his dad would become, and how much time he had to spend away at the synogauge. and how Richie would wait for him outside the temple to go walk with him to the barrens where everyone else was. and how he would bring a pack of bubblegum and share it with Stanley on the way. Bill didn't even think this was intentional by Richie, he just sort of did it. but only now did they realize how important that was to Stan. Though he would never say it. 

When they arrived at Richies house, the two went quickly up to his room. Bev and him had already laid out an array of snacks and board games for the group. They both sat cross legged on the floor and invited Bill and Stan to play. "Bev already frickin' murdered me in a round of crazy 8s. i think i can get her back at old maid though considering the fact that she already is one" he snickered and smirked at Bev, who shoved him hard, knocking him over into the monopoly box. This made stan actually giggle, which surprised Bill so much he hoped he didn't show it. Richie rubbed his side lightly and pouted at her. She simply replied by sticking her tongue out at him

The night went on with lots of games and antics. Much more trash mouth moments from Richie and him getting what he deserved. Stan seemed to open up more and more as the hours passed and was almost completely back to normal once the clock read 4:30. He looked around to see Bill and Richie both passed out on the floor, cuddled up/trying to steal one sleeping bag. Then he turned to Bev, who was busy putting away all the pieces of Life. She felt him staring and raised her head to look at him 

"you're gonna be alright, Stan, you know that?" she asked softly, meeting his eyes and giving him a warm look. "you know i've been thinking. obviously we're going to try to get the losers club to hang out more. playing around tonight showed me how much i really missed this. just casually and all." She paused for a moment to stack some of the boxes and Stan silently nodded, anticipating where this might go 

"but i was thinking, maybe you don't have to be alone all the time, right? i get lonely too. i'm not just saying that. after moving away from my dads place, everything feels so empty. and i pay so much for that tiny little shit hole that maybe it'd just be better if we-" She hesitated. She didn't know how to make this not seem like she was trying to control or watch over him. because that truly wasn't it. She missed Stanley a lot. and she cared about him more than he could ever imagine. Truthfully after tonight she knew he'd be okay, but she just wanted to spend more time with him. Not take anything for granted 

"were roommates. shared a mortgage and a place. i know it's kind of silly but i-" Stan cut her off, suddenly seeming much more alert. His eyes lit up and then he looked down into his lap sheepishly "that sounds great. honestly. it really would be great". 

Bev grinned, feeling a weight lifted off of her shoulders. Maybe this was all meant to be. Maybe Stan had to break down for these pieces to come together. She wasn't sure, but it all felt good and new and exciting. 

She saw Stan then begin to yawn in the corner of her eye. She giggled a bit "alright, it's been a long day, why don't you go to bed and go to sleep" Bev motioned you towards Richies twin. "and make you sleep on the floor?" Stan asked, shocked. "no way! i wouldn't make a girl sleep on the floor. plus there's barely any room for you and-"

"and enough for you?" Now Bev was really laughing. 5'10 Stan the man looked like he could squeeze on the floor there only if he slept folded up like a fortune cookie. "just come on, we will sleep up there together. we will fit if we just don't roll or move to much" She got up off the floor and climbed into bed. She pulled Richies bright green patterned covers up to her chin and snuggled down deeply on the far side up against the wall. "you coming?" 

Stan stood up but blushed deeply and stuttered a bit "b-but- i mean-" 

" oh Stan shut up i know you're gay as the fourth of july so come get a goods nights rest before i kick your ass" 

Stan immediately shut up and went to bed next to Beverly with not another word


End file.
